We have been home since March 14th. We are a family of six - my husband, my senior daughter, my freshman daughter, my middle school son, and my second grade son, and myself. For each of us this situation has brought its own worries, and stresses. We have also each lost different things - my 9th grader lost a season of band, and a band trip to San Fran that she was saving up for all year. My middle schooler lost a spring of band and his technology gifted program. My second grader lost the part of his life that gave him a sense of autonomy, and his connection with his wonderful teacher. And for my senior…I can hardly write about it without tearing up. She will never walk the halls of her high school again. Never finish the art project she was working on. Never again greet all the teachers and acquaintances that comprise one’s life as a high schooler. She missed her prom, her last months of being in school with her long-time boyfriend. Graduation…all of it. Senior year is pretty special and for her it just vanished one day. And of course she has the looming question about whether or not she will actually be able to go to her chosen college in the fall. And all of us have worries about our safety, sadness about people losing their lives, and fears about the future.
But even as we deal with this crisis, we have to navigate our daily lives. There is food to cook, dogs to walk, schoolwork to complete, my husband is working from home full-time. At this 9 week mark, I’m looking back and taking stock of what I have learned as I have helped my family navigate this unprecedented situation.
These are the 5 things I learned during the shutdown in Pennsylvania. I hope this serves as an invitation for you to share with me your own reflections!
1) In case anyone had any doubt, family is the most important thing in the world.
Suddenly, the friendships we rely on for diversity in our interactions were cut off. We all had only each other to vent to, talk with, play with, and make plans with. It has been more important that ever that we have strong relationships with one another where we are enabled to be our whole, flawed selves.
2) Having a meaningful connection with people in your community keeps a terrifying situation from taking you down.
In my neighborhood, we all put a lot of effort into being connected with one another. We have a Facebook page where we plan events and activities (there has even been a weekly Zoom Quizzo!). We all stop and chat when we see each other outside. And we freely loan advice, a spare egg, some childcare in a pinch…this is a real community. Having that around us as we have been sheltering in place has kept us from feeling isolated and alone on the planet.
3) Using best practices for managing stress REALLY works.
The first few days of the outbreak I felt panicked. I kept thinking ‘I’m such an anxious person and I fear catastrophe every day - I can’t handle this!’ After a few days I realized I was repeating like a mantra something that wasn’t true and could also lead to a total freak-out! Instead I started reminding myself ‘As a person who has dealt with anxiety my whole life, I am uniquely qualified to handle this. I have a robust tool-kit for this situation.’ That helped me think creatively about how to support my kids and family through this, and also led me to prioritize some good stress management for myself. Exercise, drinking lots of water, spending time meditating with my favorite grounding and relaxing crystals, reorganizing our kitchen to make more space for family cooking, planting a new kitchen garden, journaling, and blending supportive essential blends which I diffuse in our shared spaces - all of these practices have helped me feel balanced and well..
4) A healthy family life leaves room for each person to have their own style of stress response.
When I am really stressed, I become snappish and short. When one of my kids is really stressed she talks very little, retreats, and stops doing anything she doesn’t want to do (even school work) Another will talk openly about their feelings and ask for ‘talk-therapy’ style support. Another just has a version of a temper tantrum. This situation has made me realize that I can’t expect the one who clams up to come to me. I have to check her homework and make sure it is getting done, and I have to find creative ways to get her to share with me, and to accept help. The one who cries and screams can’t be reprimanded for freaking out over small things - those freak-outs are requests for stress management help.
5) Finding ways to mark time as a family, and have fun together, has immeasurable rewards.
Each week I make an invitation for everyone to take-out dinner and a movie on Friday night. We pick a restaurant, eat together on paper plates (so we can skip the usual dinner clean up routine) and settle in for a family movie. I started it because I wanted to make sure we did something fun together. But it has also led to lots of fun conversations about movies, and which ones to watch. Our ages range from me, to my 18 year old, to my 8 year old so picking can be a challenge! Also, we have not been lost in what day is it?? was that even a weekend?? because we set aside Friday night in this way. We are Quakers so we have also been having Meeting for Worship on Sundays in our living room. It has been another way to connect and center as a family, and to take note of the passing weeks.
